Be Attached. Be Very Attached.

"Attachment is an inborn system of the brain that evolved to keep human children secure and safe. Reflective, integrated functioning develops in adults who emerge from secure attachments."  Dan Siegel

"Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering." The Dalai Lama

I've often been dismayed over the years when yoga students guiltily start a sentence with "I know I shouldn't be attached, but..." and I have often pondered how this meme of non-attachment became so strongly ingrained into popular culture. Now that I am studying psychology, I am learning about attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of early childhood positive attachment to caregivers in forming a stable sense of self, or what is called a secure base. It is human and necessary to be attached, and attachment theorists have even identified four types of attachment:

     *Secure Attachment - the optimal scenario for an infant and young child, where most of their wants are acknowledged, if not always fulfilled.

     *Insecure-Avoidant Attachment - the result of having a caregiver who is rejecting of the child's needs, resulting in a child who will not seek to communicate, connect, or have attention.

     *Insecure-Ambivalent Attachment - the result of having a caregiver who is inept but responsive to intense behavior by the child, such as tantrums, resulting in a controlling, manipulative style of interacting.

     *Insecure-Disorganized Attachment - the result of a caregiver who behaves in erratic, extreme, and eruptive ways, a parent who is dangerous and also needed for survival, resulting in a child who can be disoriented, frozen and fearful.

Our human and animal selves have a need for structure, continuity and consistency. Without attachment, human partnerships wouldn't provide the container that they optimally do, within which we can rest into our creative nature. To the primitive part of the brain, abandonment equals death. John Bowlby's studies on attachment showed that the drive toward attachment is stronger than the sexual drive. Remember that in our adult lives attachment can be to people and it can also be to

mountains, forests, art, animals, literature, beauty, myths, music and any of the many avenues that contribute to a rich inner landscape and to the opening of imagination.

And yet, and yet. We must all grow up and out of the childhood form of attachment, and go through the process of differentiation, which optimally occurs in young adulthood, and then the process of individuation, which begins later in life and can last until the end of life. Individuating includes the courageous examination of our own hidden darkness. Because no parents are perfect, we have all repressed potent material that is waiting to come to the surface and inform our daylight lives, and when life feels secure enough, or when life smashes things apart enough, this work can be done. You will know when this work is ready to happen because you will become more fascinated with deep questions and inner adventure, and more curious than judgmental about your emotions and those of others.

To return to the Buddhist idea of attachment being the root of suffering, I believe this is a misunderstanding or mis-translation, and that the modern psychological term "co-dependent" might be nearer to what is meant. Sometimes Buddhist commenters even use the word "clinging" in place of the word "attachment," which feels right. And what Buddhism and other sacred lineages bring to modern culture is invaluable as neuroscience is showing us that meditation and mindfulness change the physical structure of our brains.

We are always growing into our souls and into becoming more fully human. In the sacred space of meditation and mindful movement, of creativity and humility, and in growing comfort with our own company, with its light and shadow, we are replenished.

As depth psychologist Ginette Paris says, "The capacity to love implies a basic comfort with one's own quiet company." In learning the art of silence and solitude, we can become deeply attached to our own good heart.